A dream, I am happily sucking a white morsel of lobster out of its shell. Butter dribbles down my chin. I lick my fingers and the taste of lime combines with the soft flesh. I look down at my plate in at the little dead lobster eyes and remember, horrified that I am a vegetarian.


I have been having this dream for about 18 years. Ever since I became a vegetarian. After the first two years I have had it rarely--only once or twice a year. But all together it’s probably been over 30 times.

The water is turquoise, and the wind is making the waves rush away from the shore. Looking out I see men rowing back into the sea on their canoes. I look down at my plate at the lobster. But I am more preoccupied with the fact that I don’t like it. I look at the lobster claws and wonder, “Maybe the meat there is better…” I eat some slowly contemplating its texture firmer than any tofu. Then I turn my back on the plate--- It’s a lot better in my dreams. Things usually are but I don’t remember lobster’s having a slightly bitter taste. I ask Hugo if this is the way its supposed to taste. He answers in the affirmative. I shake my head in disappointment. My memories haven’t been accurate.
If this was the first piece of flesh I had eaten in 18 years that probably would have been the end of it--a bite to confirm that my ethics weren’t causing me to miss out. But I had tried fish the day before and liked it. In fact for the last week I have eaten fish or shrimp everyday.

I became a vegetarian because I thought, and still do, that eating meat was cruel.

The way I came to this realization was slow. First, I liked the cows at my aunt’s farm, the idea that we ate cows was disconcerting as I watched the dairy cows walk across the fields. Later, in middle school, I had to write a speech advocating vegetarianism for my English class. Shortly after that I made the decision.

It was fairly painless. I had only ever liked really expensive meat anyway. There were one or two slip the first year (I remember a particularly nasty ham pizza that probably confirmed my choice) but after that no meat ever knowingly passed my lips.

Now I am left with a bitter sense of an era passed. I still find the food chain appalling but frankly I find all life appalling. It has occurred to me that if a lion ate me for example I wouldn’t be angry at the lion. I am not sure what that means. Suffice it to say that if were to stay a vegetarian, I would need to become a fruititarian. Let me add that I don’t think this is radical or absurd but that somehow I don’t have the energy to explore this.

That’s it for now. I am hungry. And just in case your wondering it will be a vegetarian meal—this time.